CALLING ALL FAT GUYS WITH WHITE BEARDS! (12/27/03)

May I have the final say on the local controversy about having to pay for pictures of little Anjou and Bartlett sitting on Santa’s lap?

When you go to the mall, you should expect commercialism, just like when you go to the mafia, you should expect loan sharking. Oh, sure, a Toys for Tots barrel here and a bell-ringer with kettle there. But the mall is otherwise driven by filthy lucre, plain and simple, even when it comes to taking a picture with Santa, so get over it.

That being said, I still believe that regardless of where you get little Pete or Moss’s Santa-picture taken, you should pay for it. And you should pay for it in the truest holiday spirit.

This I propose as the only win-win solution to the Santa-picture dilemma:

The Upstate is blessed with lots of fat guys with white beards. I am a perfect example. I bet you that the vast majority of us are benevolent folks who would love dressing up as Santa. I bet you that we would love to have kiddies sit on our laps while parents snapped pictures to their hearts’ content, especially if it were for a good cause. We could suggest a minimum contribution of a buck or whatever per child, but no coercion or shakedown. The proceeds could go to worthy causes like eradicating homelessness and childhood diseases.

As a counterpoint to corpulent, out-of-breath Santas, we could get skinny (“well toned”) women from the Life Center to play Santa’s Helpers and reindeer. And each child would receive a sugar-free candy cane, so there would be no ranting from the dentists and the Juvenile Diabetes Association.

“But where?” you ask. As far as I am concerned, I can set my Santa-throne up on my driveway, and you can come right up with your kids and cameras. But, if the Grinch from the County or City shows up complaining about a zoning infraction, we might be able to do it at County Square or City Hall Plaza, or in front of the statue of Shoeless Joe, or send a couple of souvenir pictures back from Plaza Bergamo to show them how kindly a town we are. Or, maybe a couple of nice business folks would let us use their parking lots or stores. Or maybe some of the churches/synagogues/masjids/ashrams. Hard to believe that location would be an issue. And we could accomplish it around town in a couple of weekends in November-December.

If you start planning ahead, renting a pricey Santa costume should be a non-issue. After three years of my playing Santa for homeless kids in Anderson, a thoughtful friend took advantage of an after-Christmas sale at Target and bought me my very own Santa outfit for twenty bucks.

Clean-shaven right now? You have over eleven months to cultivate those whiskers, or OK, you can even fake it with the beard that comes with the costume. Not sufficiently pudgy? No prob. The Colonel awaits, despite all the Madison Avenue hype about how healthy KFC is for you. And for the handful of us of the kosher persuasion, there is always chopped liver, oozing schmaltz (rendered chicken fat), and let the cardiologist be damned. It’s all for a good cause.

We will not, won’t we, feel sorry for the malls. Not so long as Game Boy, Play Station, Barbie and Hokey Pokey Elmo still captivate the childish imagination and the adult pocketbook.

Hey, folks, this is not all in fun. If you think I am kidding, try me. I am serious. I may not be a Christian, but I believe as much as anyone in the holiday spirit. Money has its place in the scheme of how the spirit is actualized, and so do those wonderful memory-photos of little Persimmon and Loquat on Santa’s lap. We can merge both of those to do tremendous good for we who are blessed and for those who need our blessing. And meanwhile, we can decide for ourselves where commercialism ends and where the true radiance of the holiday season begins.

So, all you fat guys with white beards and all the rest of Santa’s little helpers, belly up to the throne. Send me an email or give me a call. I have yet to figure out the first bit of the logistics, but I do know that we may have chanced on a great way to convert greed into an answer to need.