KONKLET AND HAM STEAK

Well, we finally shot the pilot episode of my new cooking show, “Rabbi Ribeye.” Quite an experience: A jazz band blasted out my theme song, a bluesy version of Hava Nagila. The audience chanted, “Ra-a-a-a-b-b-i Ribeye! Ra-a-a-a-b-b-i Ribeye!” I couldn’t decide whether to preen in the pool of narcissism or just crawl in a hole.

The producer had already determined the menu. “We want it Jewish,” he said, “but not too Jewish.” Show biz. I dithered until I remembered the venerable Jewish hamburger.

In my family, we called it a “konklet,” apparently a corruption of the word “cutlet.” It’s ground beef stretched with matzo meal, grated onion, potato, and carrot, fried in schmaltz and onions.

To my surprise, the pilot was to be shot outdoors. Naturally, they did not give me a stove to cook on, but a charcoal grill. Imagine, the cast-iron skillet that I inherited from my bobbe, frying her beloved konklet on TV in front of a hundred starving goyim, while the band ground out “Erev Shel Shoshanim” to a Samba beat. And, did I tell you? The grate was tilted inward on a thirty-degree angle.

So, wearing asbestos mitts, I tended the konklet until they slid to one side, and then pitched the skillet back until they slid to the other. The results: Half burnt, half raw konklet, onions a pile of greasy coal-dust, schmaltz a grimy mauve.

Now, the final indignity – and if I am lying, take away my Cuisinart. The band leader reached into his back pocket, pulled out a ham steak, and tossed it on the grill, rubbing up against my bobbe’s skillet. “Try that!” he prated. “That wins the prize over your ‘kumquat’ any day!”

I politely brought the show to a halt, amazingly, to thunderous applause. I cringed. But, surprise, the producer was delighted. “The best!” he repeated, “The absolute best, especially the way you acted soooo surprised when Mac brought out that ham steak. You should win an Emmy just for that. The syndicators will love it!"

What did Newton Minnow call television? A “vast wasteland.” Well, tell Mr. Minnow I have good news. His wasteland is now filled with ham and konklet.