PEANUT MORBIDITY

When the Hebrews wandered through the wilderness, they survived on manna. American Jews survive on peanut butter. Yet, the Jewish immigrants of a few generations ago didn’t even know what peanuts were. They assumed that since they were called “nuts,” they must have grow from trees, and they dogmatically recited over them the blessing, “borei pri ha-etz,” just like a walnut or pecan.

But, George Washington Carver knew better than the rabbonim that peanuts were legumes that grew directly from the ground. Hence its proper blessing is “borei pri ha-adamah.” There was great consternation among the Jews of New York and Chicago, for the sacrilege having recited the wrong beracha for decades. Alas, nothing could be done but recite an additional Ashamnu and gargle with lye.

They should have known better, because the Americans’ favorite utilization of peanut butter is to slather it with grape jam, upon which, for reasons unknown, (here we go again!) one recites the “borei pri ha-etz,” not “borei pri ha-gafen” nor “borei pri ha-adamah,” despite it growing directly from a vine.

The iconic Elvis Presley took matters a step further and doted on sandwiches of toasted peanut butter and bananas, while a huge gold “Chai” dangled from his stumpy neck. My father, on the other hand, ate a sandwich of peanut butter, butter, and cheese every day of his adult life. They say that when he died, his arteries miraculously were not clogged, but he blew out his aorta nonetheless.

As I say, peanut butter is nothing more than gooey blasphemy.

The only honorable use of the peanut for human consumption is converting it to oil. It’s actually pretty good oil, too. You can fry almost anything in it because no matter how scalding it is, it will not decompose. But, when you stop to think of it, this, too, is more of a curse than a blessing. It refuses to go away. You can’t destroy it, no matter how hard you try, just like King Kong. Its curse will survive forever and ever.

I say that our ancestors were right the first time around. Say an extra Ashamnu and gargle with lye. But, for God’s sake, stay away from the morbid peanut. Look what happened to Elvis.