“WE ANSWER TO A HIGHER AUTHORITY”

Did you know that in the US, “wiener” is slang for a man’s private parts? The wiener’s vulgarity does not stop with its name. A sage once opined that you never want to watch two things being made: politics and wieners. The wiener is made from meat of the lowest consumable level: no steaks or chateaubriand. The stuff of wieners may be ground up, but don’t look for hamburger in them.

What then? It comes from the nastiest of the cow or whatever, spongy, quivery organs, snouts, ears, entrails, you can imagine the rest. When a wiener manufacturer boasts “no artificial additives,” you wish there were; they are likely less disgusting than the natural ingredients.

A few years ago, the US media exposed the noxious contents and insanitariness of the American wiener. Hebrew National kosher sausage, however, capitalized on the scandal and actually drove many manufacturers out of business.

A deep voice on TV would read off a lengthy list of ingredients that could be unhealthy or unsanitary in treife wieners. Then, the well-dressed star would officiously hold his Hebrew National wiener-in-a-bun heavenward, as the narrator intoned, “You won’t find any of that in Hebrew National. We’re kosher. We answer to a Higher Authority.”

Oy, the poor goyim. They have no idea of what kind of “all beef” goes into Hebrew National wieners. It’s the same sludge that goes into all the others, except that it hales from kosher cows. But, ask most goyim, and they will tell you, “Kosher means pure and sanitary.” Right? Not the last time that I studied Leviticus 14 or visited my local slaughterhouse.

I guess none of that matters, because overnight Hebrew National’s market share increased tenfold, primarily by attracting the gentile palate to the kosher wiener.

Only one other “kosher style” wiener competes with Hebrew National, a venerated icon, Nathan’s. It is so popular in New York that they hold a wiener-eating contest each year that is internationally televised. Huge bulvans gobble up wiener after wiener, but the surprise winner is always a scrawny kid from Japan who weighs no more than 64 kilos.

As for me, you may bring on the sushi, and I’ll take on anyone.