UNNATURAL FOOD

One of my greatest pleasures is to baby-sit for my four-year-old granddaughter, Sophie. Naturally, she is a genius and the most beautiful child in the universe.

“Zayde,” she says to me one recent Saturday evening, “I’m hungry.”

“What would you like, my sweet Soshkeleh?” I call her by my mother’s name of endearment.

“Chicken fingers and ketchup.”

“Chicken fingers and ketchup? I can’t give you chicken fingers and ketchup. You know that chickens have no fingers!”

At this point, Soshkeleh realizes that it’s going to be a long, frustrating evening, because Zayde would rather play around with her than feed her supper.

“You know what else you can’t have, Soshkeleh? Boneless chicken wings. After all, how would chickens fly if they didn’t have bones in their wings?”

“Zayde, chickens don’t fly!”

“Nonetheless . . . “ I say. “And you know what else you can’t have? Boneless chicken breast. The chicken would fall over if it didn’t have bones in its breast, whether it could fly or not. It’s just not natural!”

“How about a fish-burger with American cheese?” Now Soshkeleh is more giddy than hungry.

“Look, Soshkeleh,” I admonish her, “I’ve told you before. It’s unnatural. What part of a fish is square? And a fish-burger is just an imitation of a hamburger, so it should be made out of ham, not fish, and since we keep kosher, we can’t have one anyways. Besides, a fish-burger has no bones, so it would flop around in the water, and not play and swim with its friends. No wonder they made it into a sandwich.

“And as far as American cheese is concerned, do you know what the French call French fries? Fried potatoes. Maybe we should call American cheese ‘fried cheese.’ It’s just not natural!”

Poor Soshkeleh. By now, my four-year-old genius has come to the realization that every food is unnatural.

“Zayde, can I pleeeese have something to eat?”

“Well, I tell you, Soshkeleh,” I usually don’t let little girls have dessert before their supper, but just this one time I’ll make an exception. Let’s go for ice cream. I’m warning you of only one thing: You may not order jelly-bean flavor. It’s not natural.”