FINALLY THE FIRST AT SOMETHING

Rabbis are insufferable braggarts. I may thus opine because I am one of them. Other than a handful of the most humble and righteous, one not need wait to ask rabbis where we have most recently spoken or when our last article appeared.

We particularly like boasting about being “the first,” as if this conferred some mystical authority: the first rabbi to shake the Pope’s hand when he was still an Archbishop, the first rabbi to meet Israel’s new assistant undersecretary of agriculture in charge of bananas, the first rabbi to sample pareve cheese.

Until this September, I had been “the first” at absolutely nothing. September brought us to Raleigh, the capital of North Carolina. It is a lovely place, the prototype of American lebensraum. There I lost my virginity and finally attainted my rabbinical first-hood. How, you ask?

Beyond this esteemed periodical, I write culinary quips for an internet food magazine. They had invited all their writers and editors to a traditional “pig pickin’” to celebrate our success. This feast, as you might surmise, is not a Champagne-and-caviar affair. It is 100 ravenous connoisseurs picking smoky, fatty flesh off a pig that had been roasted for hours by a chef ironically named Cohen.

I retained enough religious compunction to resist the perfumed pork that beckoned me. Besides, the poor pig was surrounded by an array of accompaniments upon which I declared a kashrut amnesty: “Hush Puppies,” fried cornmeal balls, vaguely reminiscent of Shabbos knoedel and Chanukah latkes, coleslaw, kartoffelsalate and plenty of German beer.

One iconoclast had just published a treatise on 50 ways to make deviled eggs. She served only 12 varieties, each very good, enticing us to read about the other 38 in her magnum opus.

I have no doubt that many a rabbi has indulged in pork. But this I guarantee: I am the first who has ever been the honored guest at a pig pickin’. It took only 56 years, but finally I am “the first” at something.

Now, get out of my way! I smell lobster boiling! Ah, another chance to be the first!