A DING LETTER TO MS. O’HANNA (10/8/04)

Dear Ms. O’Hanna:

The review of your credentials for teacher certification finds them most impressive. This is particularly noteworthy, given that you have been home schooled in a foreign country, one that is embroiled in ongoing strife. Your determination despite tremendous obstacles is well noted.

You are multilingual, which would be a tremendous asset in our foundering school system, where budgetary cutbacks would make you a special multitasking asset. At the same time, you appear to have an incredibly broad grasp of history, world events, philosophy, theology, and of all things, crafts – woodworking, isn’t it? (Have you ever thought of coaching girls’ volleyball?) Again, the prospect of multitasking makes you a most attractive candidate for our strapped school system.

God knows your wonderful track record in mentoring the most dangerously at-risk children has not gone unnoticed. And, your gentle, calm demeanor is unusual among teachers in today’s emotionally-charged classroom.

The teacher certification committee has duly noted your request for days off to celebrate the Jewish holy days, and we assure you that we would make all the accommodations within our capacity. We are especially touched by your eagerness to compensate for your time off by mentoring and serving extra after-school and cafeteria duty. You will find that our state has a proud, progressive record of tolerance for minorities and are grateful for their contributions to our local prosperity.

Regrettably, however, one critical issue supersedes all the qualities you might bring to our educational system. You likely know what it is: the out-of-wedlock pregnancy. The statement that that makes to young people about ones basic moral fiber transcends all the other healthy lessons an otherwise gifted teacher like you might provide. The fact that you avow a long-term monogamous commitment with, even a betrothal to, your fiancé Joseph, only underscores the false justification of premarital relations.

You might be exonerated by the rumor that you were violated by a Roman soldier, but this would require exhaustive, definitive documentation. Your situation is further exacerbated by other more specious rumors, namely that you have been impregnated by God and that you bear the Messiah in your womb.

If you have anything – actively or even passively – to do with dissemination of these horrific assertions, then you have not only blasphemed that which is most sacred. You have been playing with the fires of the occult, which indeed disqualifies you from ever tainting the minds of our vulnerable young students.

Ms. O’Hanna – May I call you Mary? – You certainly understand that impressive credentials are no substitute for basic moral fiber. In such matters, no benefit of the doubt can be justified. We are a state that prides itself on the highest family values. After all, what would Jesus do?

Most respectfully,

James DeMint
Chairman, Teacher Certification