A CHEESEBURGER IS NOT A CHEESE SANDWICH

I doubt that you will ever be in a village as tiny as Deep Step, Georgia: One stop-sign, one anemic policeman, and a fly-specked restaurant, no tables; just a shabby counter. No wine or beer either, because of their strict religious compunctions.

A few years ago, business, not Talmud, brought me to Deep Step for a week. There are no Jews within 160 kilometers of Deep Step, but there is one little grocery about 30 kilometers away. For three days, I observed kashrut meticulously, dining on fresh fruit and vegetables. But by day number four, I compromised my observance of kashrut “just a little,” and curiosity led me into the grimy little diner.

“Greetings, stranger!” he announced. “You must not come from these parts.”

“How did you know?” “Well, big-city folks never shine their shoes.”

“Now, what to eat?” I pondered the ancient chalkboard up front” Pork here. Chazzer there. Lard and bacon everywhere. I played it safe by ordering a grilled cheese sandwich, figuring that they could not do too much to adulterate something so simple.

“Mister, we don’t have grilled cheese here.”

“But it says that you serve cheeseburgers, so why can’t you take a slice of the cheese and grill it between two slices of bread?”

“Mister, I told you already. We serve cheeseburgers, not grilled cheese.” “Well, maybe then, a regular cheese sandwich, not grilled.”

“Nope, just cheese with hamburger or bacon, not plain.”

“Ah,” I said, in a moment of sheer genius. “Do you read the Bible?” “Every day.” He presented his well-worn Bible to me, and just as I was about to show him the dietary laws in Leviticus, I saw that it was a copy of the New Testament. “No, it’s in the Old Testament.” I said. “Well,” he announced. “We don’t have anything old around here.” as I glanced at the torn stool covers.

“But, Mister, I wouldn’t want to offend anyone from the big city. I’ll tell my boy to make an exception for you.” I thanked him graciously. “Now,” he said. “What kind of side-dish do you want with that?”

“What do you have?”

“You have three choices: cole slaw, potato chips, but you’ll probably really this: the kosher pickles that we bring in especially from the big city.”