THE "MICKEY MENDEL" SYNDROME (9/27/04)

Years before the mellifluous Cat Stevens morphed into the nefarious Yusef Islam, the Jewish community claimed the Moon Shadow as one of our own, perpetuating the self-aggrandizing rumor that his name was really Steven Katz.

If you’ve ever been around our tribe, you know that name-twisting and mangling to claim celebrities as fellow Jews is an Olympic-class sport. This was particularly true among first-generation American bubbehs and zaydes, for whom “making it” in Columbus’s land hit its apex when a coreligionist attained Hollywood or Major League stature.

Who didn’t watch Ed Solomon on Sunday night? When Ricky Layne’s dummy Velvel would call out “Mr. Solomon!” in his best Ellis Island accent, we would roar. But I swear that even as I kid, I could see the Irish-Catholic Mr. Sullivan wince.

Likewise Arthur Gottfried and his Talent Scouts. And broadcasting from Miami Beach, yet. Then we found out that he was an anti-Semite. Nu? We still intrepidly trod his boulevard for the sake of a good corned beef sandwich.

Ah, Jewish by association? Well, Eddie Cantor was Jewish. So too Al Jolson, a cantor’s son. Then George M. Cohen must have been Jewish, too, right? After all, he sang of being a “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” the Jewish immigrant’s fondest dream.

Edward Goldenberg Robinson and John Garfield/Garfinkle were movie heavies of the Hebrew persuasion. So the third of the tough guy trilogy, James Cagney, must have been Jewish, too. After all, who would have taken seriously a thug named Jacob Caplan?

Lauren Bacall was really Betty Persky, and we somehow forgave her dalliance with that smoldering sheigetz Bogey. But what about Anne Bancroft? Aren’t folks always confusing her with Bacall? And isn’t she married to the quintessentially Jewish Mel Brooks?

We knew that Danny Kaye was Jewish by some article of blind faith, but his comedy was pretty mayonnaisy. Sid Caesar was nowhere nearly so self-conscious, encrypting Yiddishisms here and there, winking the secret code to his Jewish viewers. So too, by the way, the Marx Brothers, Three Stooges and Max Fleischer’s Popeye.

Steve Allen – Abrams, we postulated – pulled the same schtick. He must have been Jewish, too, no? Nah, but seven of his eight writers were, and four bore the ultimate credential: born in Brooklyn.

Which brings us to sports heroes. Here my mom reigned supreme. When the White Sox won the pennant in 1959, she was sure that the latecomer hero, Ted Kluszewski, had to be Jewish, until my dad reminded her that the Jews stole names like that from the Poles, not vice versa.

Actually, in that World Series, extraordinary Jewish advantage went to the Dodgers: the legendary Sandy Koufax and the sibling pitcher-catcher team, Larry and Norm Sherry. Big Klu hit three homeruns against the Dodgers, but the Sox were humiliated four games to two.

Which brings us to the most exalted Jewish ballplayer of all times, Mickey Mendel. A generation of immigrant Jews from the Lower East Side to the Bronx beamed with Yiddishe nachas over their Triple Crown Bar Mitzvah bochur. So famous . . . and he didn’t even Americanize his name. What other vistas could Jews attain in this Golden Land?

And so, one day a kid in the Bronx sits glued to the radio, listening to the Yankees on their way to another victory. His European grandfather walks through the room.

“Zayde! Zayde!” the boy bursts, “The Yankees are ahead 4-2 and Mickey Mantle is up to bat!”

“Mendel?” Zayde contemplates for a moment and then in Old World Yiddish muses, “Is that good or bad for the Jews?”

Fortunately, the lingering rumors were wrong. When morning had broken, Yusef Islam was not Steven Katz after all. Thanks be to the Lord. Otherwise, the question of the ages would again have come to bite us on the behind: “Is that good or bad for the Jews?”

CAN A NON-CHRISTIAN BE A "GOOD CHRISTIAN"?

I first heard the expression nearly forty years ago as I was thumbing a ride down Touhy Avenue on my way back to Yeshiva. I was fortunate to be picked up by a seminarian who engaged me in genial discussion about our vocational plans. Thick into rush hour, he gave a gap to someone who was changing lanes. The fellow behind him, though, wasted no time in honking and flipping him the bird.

“Just being a good Christian,” the seminarian mumbled. I remember liking the sound of that phrase, not resenting it. I do not recall considering whether I would have said, “Just being a good Jew” under the same circumstances. And so it remained until I moved south and discovered that “good Jew” was used by some gentiles to mean an honest Jewish businessman, in contrast to most Jewish merchants, presumed to be cheats.

The designation of “good Jew” attained its apex in my current residence of Greenville, SC, as businessman and Holocaust survivor Max Heller rose to the position of the city’s most respected mayor. Ironically, Max’s being a “good Jew” was not good enough to be elected to Congress in the late 1970’s due to an overtly anti-Semitic campaign largely fomented by Christian conservatives.

All this brings us to the present. We have just weathered a mean-spirited election in which the candidates disagreed on everything. Yet, both men marketed themselves as “good Christians” in mailings, campaign events, letters to the editor, everywhere you looked.

On the flip side, South Carolina’s Senate candidate, Inez Tenenbaum, has a “typically Jewish” surname and a husband openly involved in Jewish causes. Significant, then, that her ads underscore that her parents were church elders. Let there be no mistaking; Inez is another “good Christian.” Being a “good Christian,” is apparently not merely a credential, but a prerequisite.

Max Heller was a good Jew, but he never campaigned as a “good Jew.” Joe Lieberman certainly was a “good Jew.” Yet, he and his handlers were hypersensitive about his not appearing “too Jewish.” Can you imagine building a campaign around being a “good Jew” the way that President Bush reaps the harvest of being known a “good Christian”?

What makes being known as a “good Jew” such a liability while the designation of “good Christian” so facilely gains one entry to credibility and trust? After all, to denigrate Jewish values is to deny Jesus’s most profound teachings – The Golden Rule, The Lord’s Prayer, The Beatitudes. Whenever I see a “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelet, I say to myself, “Jesus would act like a good Jew.” Period.

Ah, there is the issue of heaven. Good Christians go to heaven. Good Jews and gentiles suffer eternal damnation. Our two vituperative, mean-spirited county council candidates go to heaven. Max Heller and Joe Lieberman, save and unlikely conversion, go to hell. Does Dr. King, whom I assumed was a good Christian, go to heaven, since so many “good Christians” treat him like the bogeyman? Dr. Bob Jones calls the Pope the antichrist. Does the Pope go to heaven? What does the College of Cardinals have to say about Dr. Bob’s afterlife expectations?

Jews believe that good Jews go to heaven – maybe a different heaven – and that heaven is an inclusive, not an exclusive, place. We believe that God is friendly and has lots of room for good people. Good Christians are welcome there, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, maybe even some good atheists. We will let God figure that out. Define “good”? It probably has something to do with The Golden Rule. At least that is what Rabbi Hillel and Rabbi Jesus taught.

If I earn my way into Jewish heaven, I am totally psyched on the idea of spending eternity learning at the feet of Mother Theresa, Dr. King, Baha'u'llah, the Dali Lama, Moses Maimonides and oodles of people who are condemned to hell by “good Christians.” On the other hand, I get a little queasy every time I contemplate spending eternity in the company of televangelists, Bible-thumpers and politicos who promise that I will be with them if only I see things their way.

Whenever I hear a candidate being marketed as a “good Christian,” my blood does not boil. It runs a little cold. Then I stop and wonder whether folks who are simply “good people” could ever pass the us-versus-them loyalty test that would gain them entry into civic leadership, if not heaven. If Christians and Jews want to establish themselves as “good,” perhaps it could be by working together to build that magnificent “City upon a Hill” and by putting away their infantile “my club’s better than your club” games.