TWO HOURS OF PASSIONLESS BODY-BANGING (3/4/04)

I finally saw Mel's flick last night. Here's the quick email take I gave to my kids this morning:

I wish I had something more profound to say about The Passion of the Christ, but the first word that comes to mind is simply "boring."

Putting aside any of the religious significance, the film was just rotten. It reminded me of the typical porno flick (don’t ask) in which they use the most banal, flimsy "plot" to string together one 15-minute passionless body-banging after another. In this case, the real "story" of the Passion – dare I say the scriptural and literary magnificence of the episode – is marginalized, trivialized, into that same flimsy plot simply to justify scene after scene of the most unimaginably sensationalistic gore.

I guess that I am full of sexual analogies this morning, but another one comes to mind: You know how they say that a scantily clad woman is immeasurably more provocative than one who is stark naked? Mel also misses this point. The real magnitude of Jesus's redemptive suffering would have been 1,000 times more powerful and horrific had some of it been left to allusion and imagination, rather than every spurt of blood-cum-salsa splash so literally across the screen.

Most amazing was how so many Christians in the crowd used words like "inspirational, life-transforming, uplifting, masterpiece, magnificent." Mel is the possessor of one sick mind and spirit. That can be seen most clearly in his a priori assumption as to how much one must fixate on the details of gore to be a "real" Christian. And they say that Jews wallow in their own pustulence . . . That may sound flip, but to what extent do believing Christians consider graphically flayed skin and mangled organs, not majestic martyrdom, to be the defining quality of the pivotal event of their faith?

My final bit of fatherly advice to you on this subject: On the chance that this film is authentic, you may as well go read the Gospels. On the chance that it is not authentic, you may as well go rent Ben-Hur.

P.S. Now, I am still not telling you to spend your money, but here are a few of the movie’s more entertaining moments:

1. The absolute zenith of hokeyness in Mel's film -- and there is a ton of it -- is when Mary Magdalene breathlessly returns to tell Mary that the Roman guards have taken Jesus off, and Mary responds with tremendous melodramatic pathos, "Mah nishtanah ha-lailah ha-zeh mi-kol ha-leilot?"

2. Caiaphas, the ersatz High Priest, speaks much better Aramaic than Jesus does.

3. The bulvan who plays Herod is such a stitch that he is worth the price of admission, even though he is on screen for only a minute. I nominate him to play Belushi as Bluto in any remake of Animal House.